Throughout history, humanity has been divided into subspecies, each of which differs greatly from its compatriots. They live together, eat together, attend the same schools, share the same physiology and anatomy, but still remain in their own distinct behavioral and psychological groups. Perhaps the most fascinating to myself has always been the Americanus nerdensis, or “nerd.”
For the past several years, a small herd (for that is the proper term for a group of nerds) has gathered in my basement for their so-called “LAN parties,” “LAN” being to them as water concerning its apparent life-sustaining qualities, although this is just a supposition by an outsider. As of late, though, the herd has grown exponentially and I cannot, as a scholar, ignore the potential that lies in studying the herd anthropologically; it would be, in fact, irresponsible not to.
And so begins my journey to understand the nerd, from the herd’s hierarchical structure to their strange, often guttural language. I may be risking my integrity, my dignity as a scholar, and my very life, but the possibility of acquiring a greater awareness of the nerd is worth every risk. I must watch myself carefully, for I will be entering their lair entirely alone. It will be just myself among the nerds.
Process:
In order to truly grasp the bizarre workings of the nerd, I feel it is necessary to live among them. I will engage them in their strange rituals, or “games,” as they call them, along with a general gathering of observations on their unique culture. I am sure my appearance will deter the timid creatures at first, but with time, perhaps they will accept me as one of their own.
Initial Observations
For the past several weeks I have been collecting basic data and observing the gentle nerd in its natural environment. At first, they were indeed uncomfortable with my presence, but with quiet perseverance, I have managed to avoid confrontation.
As far as I can tell, there are seven core members of the herd. They may have names, but as of yet I cannot understand the grunts and shrieks with which they communicate. It seems that position in the herd’s hierarchy is based upon the amount and quality of computers owned. There is definitely one leader, an alpha, who will be referred to as the “silverback.” He directs which rituals will be performed, along with at what time the herd will eat and what food will be consumed.
Below is a list of each individual, along with basic observations as to their physical appearance and behavior.
Silverback: A taller male specimen, with a hunched back. It appears to be a shared trait among the other members of the herd. Yellow hair covers his head, and there seems to be pale facial hair that is unique to the individual. His behavior is one of an alpha; he is demanding, loud, and cantankerous. He both vocally and physically reprimands the others of the herd, exerting his dominance.
Beta: The secondary male, also tall, and lanky, as the nerd often is. His hair is black, and cut in a strangely bowl-like shape. He is occasionally belligerent with the Silverback, perhaps challenging him for dominance? I am unsure due to the language barrier. He seems much friendlier than the Silverback, and the others show him a discreet reverence. However, I fear that usurpation could leave the nerd hierarchy in shambles.
ND: Non-descript. He is a male of average height and weight, with cropped brown hair. He rarely challenges the Silverback and is, in general, less than interesting.
Runt: A small male, relatively stout, with no hair. It is a unique trait. I am unsure if this baldness is intentionally or a recessively genetic variation. He does not speak often, but when he does, it is of the same guttural nature but higher pitched.
Squeaky: Another taller, lankier male, similar in coloring and behavior to the Beta, although his belligerence is neither tolerated by the Silverback nor supported by the others. His vocalizations are of an absurdly high pitch, and piercing to the eardrums. I dread his squeals of glee or derision.
Squawky: An average sized and weighted male, with incredibly curly brown hair. He is definitely the goofier member of the herd, with bombastic vocalizations and momentous gesturing. The former often sound parrot-like, though they are far less irritating than those of Squeaky.
Drifter: A tall, lanky male. These seem to be common and dominant traits in the nerd community. Oftentimes he is absent from the rest of the herd, and I wonder if he is some strange hybrid creature the likes of which I have never seen. In any case, he participates in ritual and speaks their language.
There is a noticeable lack of a female presence in the group thus far, but the female nerd is elusive and esoteric. One will appear in due time, as the LAN flows freely through the basement and beckons each nerd open to its call. I wonder, though, if a female never appears, how will this herd reproduce? Will they separate and seek new herds with an excess of females? Will they simply die out? These are questions I hope to answer.
